Trump furious at Epstein letter leak, demands right to redraw the boobs “properly”

Donald Trump has slammed reports that he sent a bawdy birthday card to Jeffrey Epstein featuring a hand-drawn naked woman, claiming the alleged artwork was “not anatomically correct” and did not meet his “usual, very classy, frankly gorgeous artistic standards.”

The card, unearthed by The Wall Street Journal, is said to feature a typewritten note alongside a drawing of a naked woman, with Trump’s signature scrawled suspiciously in the general region of her pubic area.

But Trump has denied any involvement, insisting that if he had drawn it, “the boobs would’ve been symmetrical, tasteful, and probably gold-plated.”

“I don’t draw women, never have, never will. Unless it’s a perfect ten,” Trump told reporters. “This thing? Crooked lines, terrible shading, zero cleavage. Amateur hour. Like something Joe Biden might draw.”

The former president is now demanding the “right to redraw the boobs properly,” insisting the current version “doesn’t reflect the values of tasteful eroticism I embody as a former pageant owner.”

Trump’s legal team has filed a motion with the Department of Justice requesting access to the card so that he can “fix the artistic errors” and reissue the letter with “big, beautiful knockers” and a note reading “Happy Birthday, and may every day be just as classy and consensual.”

White House press secretary Karoline Leavitt clarified, “The president’s outrage is purely artistic in nature. He feels the nipples were poorly executed and frankly not presidential.”

Asked why the letter was signed “Donald” in the shape of a curly bush, Trump again denied involvement: “That could’ve been anyone. Probably Obama.”

Sources say Trump plans to auction off the “corrected” card at Mar-a-Lago later this year, framed between two Miss Universe sashes and a federal subpoena.

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