Papal Conclave set to include Wayne Rooney, Pete Doherty and wee Jimmy Krankie

The Vatican has announced the participants who will take part in the process of appointing the new Pope, and alongside the expected religious figures will be Wayne Rooney, Pete Doherty and wee Jimmy Krankie.

“In Nominy Pardrie,” said Cardinal Simon Williams.

“The problem we’ve had with some of the previous conclaves is that they’ve been a bit, well, churchy. With this one, we wanted to have some experts in from other fields.”

He went on to explain the unusual inclusions.

“Now, Wayne Rooney is one of the finest players that the world of football has known. Some people argue that his later years were disappointing, but his performance in the 2004 Euros alone is more than enough to secure him a place in any conclave.

“I think we understand that Pete Doherty is going to be a controversial choice but, look, ‘Don’t Look Back into the Sun’ is a total banger. His work with Babyshambles is underrated and the way he’s turned his life around is nothing if not very impressive.

“And, Ava Maria, we’ve got in wee Jimmy Krankie because we want to have a fandabidozi Pope!”

The cardinal also revealed that entertainment for the conclave will be provided by a Simply Red tribute band and Bucks Fizz, except they’ve been told not to do that bit where they whip each other’s skirts off.

Race for the Vatican – Vote Dougal for Pope!