Tories elect Giles from Gogglebox as their new leader

The Tory Party has surprised the political world by making Giles from Gogglebox their new leader.

“We’ve had, what, three months to really scrutinise the main four candidates,” explained one ex-minister.

“And after really getting to know them all we’ve come to understand that they’re absolutely dogshit in every way. Complete lettuces the whole lot of them.” 

Luckily, whilst Kemi Badenoch was making her speech, inspiration struck.

“Well, yes, Kemi was up on stage, prattling on about why everyone who isn’t her is awful and so Jeremy Hunt decided to kill time by watching last week’s Gogglebox on his phone.

“Giles and Mary came on, and Jeremy just nudged me and went ‘what about this guy?’

“So a few of us watched a couple of episodes, and this Giles bloke seemed nice and sounded really posh. Fair enough, he was a little eccentric, but he’s never suggested anything as batshit cuckoo as that thing about sending foreigners to Rwanda, and even if he just spent his whole time watching TV and making funny comments about it, then he’d do less damage to us and the country than the last three leaders.

“He probably won’t beat Keir Starmer in an election, but at least we won’t have to spend the next four years listening to Robert Jenrick bang on about how brilliant he is at immigration.

“So, why not? What have we got to lose!”

It is expected that Giles from Gogglebox will remain leader for a few months until the other Tories all start kicking off against each other, vote him out and then elect Kirsty Allsopp because she’s a bit posh and doesn’t seem to like young people very much.

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