Last week a 37-year-old mum of two visited an online parenting forum for weaning advice and has immediately banned any form of laughter, silliness or enjoyment from her children’s lives.
Emily Williams explained, “I now see that when Tilly, aged 18 weeks, mischievously licked an apple, her chances of developing a life long love of savoury super foods were dramatically reduced, leading instead to a life time battle with obesity and poor critical reasoning.”
Any silly behaviour such as doing the hokey cokey to the shop, or pretending to eat the baby’s feet, has been replaced with serious discussions about the importance of whole foods and early years cognitive development.
She went on, “I feel ashamed that my summer holiday plans were limited to fart arsing about in our pyjamas playing ludo, or going up the park for a run round in the fresh air.
“However, after reading a single weaning forum I am now dedicating the next 6 weeks to developing my baby’s tummy muscles in a more responsible fashion to ready her digestive tract, whilst also teaching my 5-year-old that hours spent having fun can be better-used sourcing vitamin B Complex foods for healthy brain and ovarian development.”
Williams was unavailable for further comment as she was too busy cooking quinoa-avocado-beetroot-cognitive-advancement burgers as a midweek treat for her confused, but freakishly healthy family.