Responsible Republican politicians are expressing concern that the time taken educating children in schools might be interfering with school shooter drills.
“You know, you got these kids in school, and they’re spending their time learning reading and adding and whatnot,” said Alabama senator Clayton Fookhead.
“I’m not saying that those things aren’t important, but is it really as important as making sure these kids are prepared for folk coming into the school and trying to murder everyone in the building?”
Mr Fookhead suggested what he would consider a sensible school day.
“Prayers, flags and National Anthems first. Then an hour or so of simulated gun events in which them kids learn where they should go to hide from a gunman, how to stay out of sight and whatnot. We got to do that every day. Really drill it into those kids, so it’s like muscle memory.
“Then we teach basic stealth techniques, self-defence and, most importantly, for all kids ten and up, they need to learn how to defend themselves with firearms.
“Only then, if there’s some time left at the end of the day, maybe, they can do their times tables and bible study, but you absolutely can’t have that interrupting school shooter drills.”
The realities of modern America, he explained, dictated a different kind of curriculum.
“You got these liberals who think kids should spend all their time learning math, spelling, and history; that ain’t going to fly in America today. These kids need to know how they can survive a school shooting and everything else is a distant second.”
Naturally, Mr Fookhead wouldn’t countenance any form of extended gun control.
“Hell no! Them founding fathers were clear that every American has a God-given right to shoot assault weapons at children, and I’ll die to protect that right.
“And so will my kids.”