Sunday 5 April 2020 by Neil Tollfree

Nurse just grateful man who gave her coronavirus had really nice tan


nurse with mask at least happy patient had a tan

A nurse who contracted coronavirus from a man who’d spent the weekend at the beach with friends has spoken of how happy she was that he’d managed to get a really nice tan.

“As I lie here, waiting for my turn on a ventilator, all I can think of is how the man who coughed in my face had such a lovely tan,” said Eleanor Gay, a nurse who’s had two hours off since February.

“When I’m on my 20-hour shifts, I’d often think of all those poor people stuck at home, sat on their sofa watching telly and think how awful it must be for them that they’re getting a bit pasty and pale.”

After a few minutes of trying to catch her breath, Ms Gay continued.

“When I saw this man come in with a cough and a fever, the first thing I’d noticed was that he had a lovely tan, and I thought – ‘Yes! Thank heaven he’s been able to get out about’.

“In between coughs he explained that it was such a nice weekend, he decided to meet up with just a few friends and they went to the beach because it was outside, so it shouldn’t be a problem because germs hate the outside.

“I know it’s easy for people like me, who are really keeping ourselves quite busy at the moment, to say – ‘stay the fuck at home you bovine fucking cretins’ – to everyone else, but when I saw this man’s tan, I had to concede it was worth it.

“Even now, lying here half-feeling like I’m drowning after he gave me coronavirus, my only thought is that his tan was definitely worth it.”

The man, Simon Williams, has been unable to comment after he died of the coronavirus he caught from one of his friends on the beach.

His corpse had a lovely tan, though.

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