Relief as Tory manifesto promises that ‘this time we’ve really changed, please take us back’

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The UK is feeling very relieved after the Conservatives revealed themselves to be a reformed Party who’ve learned the lessons of the past.

The Tories are digging deep to win back the love of the UK.

“I’m leaving you,” the UK told the government last week. “You’ll never change. No matter how many people die you just keep behaving in the same way – slashing public services and cutting taxes for the rich. You just don’t learn. It’s over.”

However, the Conservative manifesto comprehensively addresses all of these concerns.

“No, you’re wrong,” it said. “Listen to me. I’m not the same Party anymore. I promise you that if we get back together again, you’ll see for yourself that I truly have changed as a government. Just give me a chance to show you. All I’m asking for is one more chance, that’s all.

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“Brexit will be done and dusted by the end of January. Definitely. This time next year darling we’ll have a fantastic new trade deal with the EU. I know that seems like an absurdly short timescale given how much we’ve let you down in the past but please trust us!

“We’re also going to recruit loads more nurses – we definitely won’t cut maintenance grants for students like we did two years ago. That was the old us!

“Plus, we’re gonna do something vague but really great on social care. Just get us back into power and we’ll thrash out all the lovely benevolent details.

“We love you babe.”

Floating voter Simon Williams is completely reassured.

“Well, that’s all right then,” he said. “I thought that Boris Johnson was a bit of a wrong ‘un – thank God he’s turned things around and pulled himself together.

“It’ll be his last chance mind. There’s only so much poverty-related death that people will take.”