After turning a no-win situation into a glorious and memorable victory yesterday, England all-rounder Ben Stokes has been asked if he fancies turning his hand to Brexit.
As Stokes became the Ashes test hero who turned a record run chase into an unlikely win despite having only a non-batsman for company, many government insiders have been left wondering if the Kiwi-born Cumbrian magician would be interested in helping them out.
CCHQ strategist Simon Williams told us, “There is no hope for Brexit, everyone knows we’re going to lose – badly – and it doesn’t matter what we do from this point on, it’s going to end in misery for everyone who cares. We need a miracle, but that sort of thing doesn’t seem to bother Ben.
“Yes, our negotiating position regarding Brexit is a little bit worse than chasing down a total never before reached in the final innings – on your own – but if Ben can turn that around, then he can probably turn GATT 24 into something we can use – even when every expert going says it’s a no-goer.
“It’s that refusal to accept defeat that means we see no reason why he can’t step up to the crease and secure an unlikely Brexit victory for the government, even though all the commentators are confident we’ll get our arses handed to us.”
Stokes himself took time out from celebrating with his teammates at Lords to tell the government, “No. Because no-one can win at Brexit, and I’m not a fucking idiot.”