Wednesday 21 August 2019 by Chris Ballard

Title of new Bond film revealed to be ‘Die Diddle Die Die Diddly Dum’


James Bond title

The producers of the new James Bond film have announced that the title is any old shit they thought of containing the word ‘die’.

The person tasked with coming up with a title for the latest James Bond movie obviously had no time to think of a good one.

Producer Simon Williams explained the process.

“A Bond title has to have two elements,” he said.

“Firstly, it has to contain the word ‘Die’ – ‘Live and Let Die’, ‘Tomorrow Never Dies’ and so on.

“Secondly, it has to be completely nonsensical.

“That’s why ‘Die Diddle Die Die Diddly Dum’ is such a perfect name. Sure, it’s not the most inane thing we’ve ever come up with – see the entire ‘Die Another Day’ script for that – but it’s pretty damn close.

“Other contenders were ‘Laugh? I Nearly Died’ and ‘Mum Phoned, the Cat’s Just Died.’ However, we felt these made just a little bit too much sense.

“I can also exclusively reveal that Ed Sheeran has already written and recorded the title song. I’m sure you’ll agree the lyrics are his best ever:

“Die Diddle Die Die Diddly Dum
Bang bang bang with his shooty gun
He can walk or he can run
Die Diddle Die Die Diddly Dum.”

In a statement Bond actor Daniel Craig said, “After Spectre, I said I’d rather slit my wrists than play Bond again.

“Obviously since then I’ve had another daughter and I’m in a really happy place in my life.

“But now, hearing the title, I wish I had killed myself after all.”

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