Woman who can’t negotiate agreement inside her own party confident she can handle Brexit

author avatar by 5 years ago

Theresa May is confident that the only thing preventing the Brexit negotiations being a complete success is a distinct lack of Theresa May.

After two years in which a hugely complicated situation has become ever more chaotic, the prime minister insisted all that is needed to bring Brexit to a successful conclusion is some of her special brand of ‘strong and stable’ leadership.

The move comes despite all available evidence suggesting that more Theresa May is involved in something, the greater the chance of it becoming a complete and utter shit show.

Political analyst Simon Williams told us, “This is a woman who can’t get her own party to stand behind her in unity and blew away her parliamentary majority in a hastily arranged general election – all because her political instincts told her it was time to go in for the kill against the opposition.

“And now those same political instincts are telling her that Brexit will be a success if she takes a more prominent role in the negotiations with the EU.

“I’m not a betting man, but if I was, I’d be walking to the nearest bookies to put every penny I have on Brexit descending into utter fucking turmoil the very moment that woman takes the lead.”

A Downing Street spokesperson said that the prime minister has a long track record of making a success of everything she touches, if you ignore the enormous list of things she has completed fucked up going back to her days as Home Secretary.

They told us, “People will focus on the terrible effect her management has had, like having immigration remain a factor of ten higher than promised, or calling for the last general election – but she’s definitely due a good decision soon.

“This will be the good one. Yes. Definitely.”