Monday 18 June 2018 by Chris Ballard

Arseholes confused about whether they’re in the cinema or their living room

Cinema small

Are you in the cinema or your living room? Here’s a handy guide for people who don’t know how to behave.

Some people apparently get confused about where they’re watching a film and what behaviour is acceptable. There are two broad options:

– A public cinema: please shut up for the duration of the broadcast.
– The privacy of your own home: feel free to chat and ask stupid questions about the plot.

If you’re not sure where you are, here’s a convenient checklist. You’re probably in the cinema if most of the following apply:


– There appears to be a power cut but that can’t be right because the telly’s still on.
– You can’t remember having this much furniture.
– You’re puzzled as to why your partner seems to have installed a glowing fire exit sign above the hallway door.

Sound and vision

– The screen is like, really, really big.
– It’s incredibly loud but you can’t work out how to turn the volume down (disregard this point if you’re over seventy when this is normal).
– The film hasn’t buffered once and you feel pleased that BT has finally got its act together.

Food and drink

– You’re eating your own body weight in popcorn (this only happens in the cinema as it’s actually pretty weird).
– Someone tuts every time you eat a Pringle.
– You had to hand over the best part of a fiver for that share bag of Revels you’re eating all by yourself (disregard this point if your flatmate is a tight northerner).

Other people

– You find yourself thinking, ‘Whose kids are these and how did they get in?’
– Loads of strangers keep using your loo.
– Big burly men are asking you to leave the premises (disregard this point if you’re hopelessly behind with the rent).

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