Arseholes confused about whether they’re in the cinema or their living room

author avatar by 5 years ago

Are you in the cinema or your living room? Here’s a handy guide for people who don’t know how to behave.

Some people apparently get confused about where they’re watching a film and what behaviour is acceptable. There are two broad options:

– A public cinema: please shut up for the duration of the broadcast.
– The privacy of your own home: feel free to chat and ask stupid questions about the plot.

If you’re not sure where you are, here’s a convenient checklist. You’re probably in the cinema if most of the following apply:


– There appears to be a power cut but that can’t be right because the telly’s still on.
– You can’t remember having this much furniture.
– You’re puzzled as to why your partner seems to have installed a glowing fire exit sign above the hallway door.

Sound and vision

– The screen is like, really, really big.
– It’s incredibly loud but you can’t work out how to turn the volume down (disregard this point if you’re over seventy when this is normal).
– The film hasn’t buffered once and you feel pleased that BT has finally got its act together.

Food and drink

– You’re eating your own body weight in popcorn (this only happens in the cinema as it’s actually pretty weird).
– Someone tuts every time you eat a Pringle.
– You had to hand over the best part of a fiver for that share bag of Revels you’re eating all by yourself (disregard this point if your flatmate is a tight northerner).

Other people

– You find yourself thinking, ‘Whose kids are these and how did they get in?’
– Loads of strangers keep using your loo.
– Big burly men are asking you to leave the premises (disregard this point if you’re hopelessly behind with the rent).