Man on a diet acting like he’s trying out for the SAS

author avatar by 5 years ago

A man on a bit of a diet is acting like he’s on Who Dares Wins, friends have confirmed today.

Simon Williams, who decided to lose a bit of lard for the new year, is treating eating a little bit less each day like it’s a route march across the desert followed by a painful interrogation.

Williams said that the purpose of the diet is to ‘break him down’ as if it’s a test of mental resilience rather than an attempt to stop him sweating so much when he has to use the stairs.

“Christ it’s tough,” he told colleagues at the call centre where he works.

“I’m up at the crack of dawn to prepare a packed lunch and it’s got to be just right. Not just calorifically optimum, but the balance of micronutrients has to be bang on or I’m left in a right state all afternoon. There’s no margin for error, not at this level.

”I can’t let my discipline slip, even for a second. Once you start doubting yourself it starts spiralling – before you know it you’ll start letting yourself and your team down.

”One Mars bar and Boom! It’s all over.

”You’ve got to treat every exercise like your life depends on it, because you never know when it might.”

Witnesses told us he would have carried on with the explanation of the dangers of his diet, but he had to take an incoming call about double glazing.

”Yeah, I’m on a diet. It’s mentally tough,” he told the customer.