C3PO running 30% slower after latest operating software update

author avatar by 6 years ago

Star Wars droid C3PO has been discovered to be running much slower after his operating system was updated to the latest version.

The slowdown has come as something of a shock to C3POs owners, who are used to routine updates to his code, but the latest update has left C3PO reacting sluggishly and unable to perform at his previous levels.

Current owner Simon Williams told us, “I know enough about technology to know you have to apply the software patches when they come out, otherwise some Jawa will whack a restraining bolt on him and be off with him before you know it.

“But this update has made him practically useless. He’s slow, keeps stopping mid-sentence, and he’s even more indecisive than usual.

The droid himself explained,”I am led to believe this slowdown has been built into my operating system to protect my main motor functions.

“As I get older and my battery degenerates, it’s important that I am still able to utilise my six million forms of communication without sudden …. oh my….yes, without sudden shut-downs. I lost myself for a moment there, I do apologise.”

CWPO manufacturer and teenage boy Anakin Skywalker told us, “It was a strategic decision taken for the benefit of all future owners of C3PO.

“No-one wants a protocol droid to stop working in the middle of an important translation – it’s much better that he just runs really slowly during ALL of his functions.

“Anyone who says this is a cynical ploy to get people to buy a new one from me in a few years and insists this is more evidence that I’m ‘secretly evil’ is lying.”