Maybe pour a bit less sugar and fat into your children, suggest “Experts”

So-called health experts are daring to suggest that eating seventeen Mars bars a day isn’t good for your kids.

The busy-body fun-police made the suggestion as part of a new report that shows over half of sugar consumption in children comes from chocolate, sweets, or just opening the gullet and hosing golden syrup straight down.

“Absolute nonsense,” confirmed mother of three, Susan Hayes, as she wedged another finger of fudge into her four-year-old son’s mouth.

“My granddad ate a kilo of sherbet every day and it never did him any harm at all. He lived a happy life for every one of his 38 years.

“What else am I supposed to give the kids? If I don’t give them sugar then they get all angry. Which is really unpleasant.”

So-called expert, Dr Elizabeth King, said, “We’d recommend flavourless rice cakes are given to your children, as we have no concept of joy.

“Although it’s important that you start kids on the rice cakes early, so you can trick them into believing they are in any way tasty or something they should be looking forward to as a ‘treat’.”

“If you don’t start early, you will fail. You can’t put a person on rice cakes once they’ve tasted caramel.

“We’ve tried it with monkeys and they threw an awful lot of poo at us for it, so God knows what your primitive kids would do.”

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