All of your heroes actually dreadful

Everyone you’ve ever admired is either a pervert, a child abuser or a crack dealer, according to reports this evening.

With revelations of sexual harassment ranging from well-loved stars such as Kevin Spacey right through to barely-tolerated stars such as Andy Dick, the public has been advised not to get too attached to anyone on the television, or even in general.

“I grew up loving Rolf Harris, Ryan Giggs was my favourite football player, Lost Prophets were my favourite band and Kevin Spacey was my favourite actor,” said an emotionally exhausted Simon Williams.

“Now it turns out Rolf and the lead singer of Lost Prophets were a pair of nonces, Ryan Giggs banged his brother’s wife and Spacey at least has a penchant for young boys, even if he hasn’t gone the full Gary Glitter- whose music I also used to enjoy.

“If I have a son, I will raise him not to like or appreciate anybody he doesn’t actually know in real life – and even if he does know them in real life, don’t be alone in a room with them.

“Seriously, by the end of the year we’ll probably find out that Sir Trevor McDonald makes his own meth, Keanu Reeves owns a brothel and Esther Ranzen launders child labour money through a chain of newsagents.

“At this point, I’m even bracing myself for whatever flavour of fuckery Tom Hanks is into.”

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