X-Factor star Simon Cowell has been rushed to hospital suffering from a dangerously large and unsightly swelling to his ego, according to reports this afternoon.
Cowell was diagnosed with the condition years ago, but had managed it with regular infusions of reading what people say about him on the internet to keep the swelling from growing to unmanageable proportions.
However, ambulances were called to the star’s home this afternoon when it became clear Cowell was no longer capable of moving under the weight of his own smugness.
Ambulance staff were unable to treat the condition on the scene, and it became necessary call the fire brigade to cut Simon’s self-importance free from his house.
“We’re concerned that Simon’s ego may have grown so large that we are now beyond the point of no return, and it will be impossible to remove his head from his arse,” medical staff told us as they waited for the ambulance to arrive.
“We’re prepping a huge barrel of axle grease and a winch in the hope we can shift it and just hope that’s enough.
“Otherwise it’ll be like that Winnie the Pooh story where he eats too much honey and can’t get through Rabbit’s door, and we have to line up all the staff to pull him free of his own bum.”