Newcastle United on offer for £3.99 in Sports Direct

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Mike Ashley is to sell Newcastle United alongside some cheap Firetrap t-shirts.

The millionaire businessman has understandably had enough of running the football club, as he can’t get away with paying the players minimum wage or putting them on zero hours contracts.

“It will form part of our next bumper sale, which will start tomorrow and run until the end of time,” confirmed Simon Williams, the manager of Sports Direct’s flagship Newcastle branch.

“You can pick it up for £3.99, along with some low quality ‘running’ shoes and some TapOut gear. You should still have change from a tenner for the lot.”

A spokesperson for Newcastle United said, “We are very excited to find out who our new owner will be. We’re hoping it happens to be a high-powered business brain and not some chancer who usually visits in order to get a shirt for a job interview for under a fiver.

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“Rafa Benitez is particularly pleased as it means he will no longer have to work Sundays at Sports Direct as part of his contract.”