Apple to f*ck about with the iPhone yet again

The new iPhone will include a whole shitload of features you neither want nor need.

Details of the iPhone X were leaked this morning, including a feature which tells you when the phone is actually going to die despite saying there’s loads of battery left.

Apple expects people to pay up to $1,000 for features they’ll use precisely once, including scanning technology that will turn you into your own, personal emoji – because six-year-olds often have a thousand bucks to burn on the latest tech.

However, Apple CEO Tim Cook told reporters that the new handset won’t be as bendy as the last one so that’s a start.

“The icon showing that your phone is charging will be animated as well!”, he said. “That’s worth a grand, right?

“Look, we could paint an Apple logo on a breeze block, call it the iPhone Brick, and you’d still give us a couple of hundred for it. So stop pretending you won’t and fork over your money.”

The camera will also use face-recognition technology so advanced it will know who you are even when you’re gurning after eight pints and a jagerbomb, and then create an animated emoji of your genitals for you to text to that girl who gave you a fake number in the takeaway earlier.