Northern scientists conclusively prove Southern softness

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Experts at the Barnsley Institute of Fighting & Technology have made a breakthrough in softness-identification technology, according to reports today.

A study jointly funded by the Newcastle School of Twatting and the Scottish Government concluded an eight-year research programme designed to locate pockets of softness so they can be tackled before they spread.

Symptoms of softness can include having your dinner money taken off you by bullies, inexplicably becoming a front-runner for leader of the Conservative party and living in Basildon but supporting Manchester United.

“The big difficulty was identifying whether someone was genuinely soft, or just from Lancashire,” said Professor Shazza Williams of the Department of Glassing Studies.

“People suffering from either are remarkably similar but it’s important to draw a clear distinction as the causes and cures for both are very different.

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“But in the end, it turned out to be dead fuckin’ simple. You ask them to say ‘bath’ and if they put an ‘R’ in it then they’re soft. No two ways about it.

“Although softness is contagious, we believe it can be contained through simple household remedies such as going out in a string vest in February or bathing in a tin bath in front of the fire.

“That’s bath, by the way, not barrrth.”

Medical staff are already working on a cure for the ‘r in bath’ issue, with suggested remedies including extensive elocution lessons or a half brick in a sock.