Bribing people with taxpayer’s money is Labour’s job, furious Corbyn tells Theresa May.

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Promising billions of pounds of other people’s money to get to be Prime Minister is my job, Jeremy Corbyn has told Theresa May in an angry showdown today.

In a showdown at Prime Minister’s Questions, Corbyn said he spoke for the progressive forces of Britain when he criticised the Prime Minister for promising a whole shitload of taxpayers money just for the chance to form a government – and insisted that in future the Conservative party leave that to him and his supporters.

Corbyn added that his manifesto had promised huge amounts more, and surely the highest bidder should get first go in forming a government.

“Typical Tories!” he cried. “Going with the lowest bidder!

“The Prime Minister has promised a billion pounds of taxpayers money in order to slide into Number Ten without a majority!

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“How dare she? We offered far more than that.”

Diane Abbott joined in the criticism, saying she thought the eight hundred trillion pounds being paid to the DUP was ‘utterly outrageous’.

When asked, the general public said they were happy to pay it so long as that meant there’s be no more fucking elections for five whole years.