Theresa May to ask Julian Assange how to avoid getting thrown out of a house for five years

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Theresa May has ‘reached out’ to Julian Assange to ask how he has managed not to get thrown out for five full years.

Assange, who has been hanging around the Ecuadorian Embassy like a fart in a Volkswagen since 2012, is considered a leading expert on not getting hoofed out despite everyone despising you.

Ecuadorian Ambassador Simonez Williamsio told us the Prime Minister had arrived at the Embassy last night saying she wanted to get some pointers off Julian, but she’d she’d need to keep her minders with her as she didn’t trust him to keep his hands to himself.

“We didn’t let her in,” he told us.

“I tell you what, I wish we’d thought of that when Julian showed up five years ago. It would have saved us a lot of bother.

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“He can’t go to the shop so he never replaces all the milk he uses, and none of the female staff will be alone in a room with him anymore.

“As it is he just sits in a room that’s getting a bit fusty now, writing crap teenage poetry about how he’s so terribly terribly misunderstood and he wishes Vladimir would start returning his calls.

“Maybe Theresa could do something similar?”

Although May and Assange did not speak, Embassy staff told us that the best way of getting either Julian or May to come out was to start ignoring them – as they’d be out in five minutes flat just to get some attention.