A new report has revealed that the majority of British men are still uncomfortable with kissing hello and would rather return to the days when a brief, stiff, formal handshake was the only acceptable physical expression of greeting.
“The whole procedure is incredibly difficult and embarrassing,” said normal British man Simon Williams.
“Are you supposed to kiss on the lips, on one cheek, on both cheeks? If one cheek, which one? Should the hug be warm and enveloping or just a brief clutch of the shoulders?
“One would imagine that there would be some sort of set of clear rules, perhaps freely available on the internet but, oh no, it’s just all Russian donkey porn and poorly written ‘satirical’ pieces about UKIP.”
However, what British men fear most is a greeting kiss that goes wrong.
“Yes, I had a tremendously good friend from university and one evening, myself and my wife went round to dinner, his wife did the open-arms thing and so I went to kiss her on the cheek,” Williams added.
“Unfortunately, I missed and accidentally kissed her ear.
“Conversation throughout the evening was extremely stilted and now we’ve stopped swapping Christmas cards.”
The survey revealed that there is a small number of men who are comfortable greeting people with a kiss, but they are understood to all be French