Conspiracy theorist decides not to wait for any bodies to get cold

author avatar by 7 years ago

Enthusiastic conspiracy theorist Simon Williams has decided that waiting for the bodies to get cold is an unreasonably long time before telling the Internet his well-informed opinion of what has happened in Westminster this afternoon.

Williams, who has a startlingly wide knowledge of events based on seven tweets and the voices in his head, is understood to have considered perhaps a ten minutes wait out of respect for the dead, but rejected that as his views are far too important.

A delay in commenting until coherent reports of the events were available was also rejected, as that would all just be MSM lies anyway.

“People need to know who is behind this attack immediately”, he told us. “And I don’t plan on letting a little thing like nobody knowing at this stage stop me disseminating my ideas as widely as possible.”

The security services have asked people on the Internet not to share uncorroborated reports whilst things remain unclear, but this is clearly the sign of a sinister coverup so Simon has told at least eight different groups and counting.

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When asked for any evidence to support his position, Simon grew abusive and suggested that people could stop being brainless sheep by agreeing with everything he tells them without question, because that’s how it works.

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