Britain’s first post-Brexit trading partner revealed to be Ivanka Trump

In a beautiful new pair of Ivanka block-heel pumps complete with a stylish matching Ivanka shoulder bag, a defiant Theresa May took to the steps of Number Ten this morning to announce that the UK’s first official post-Brexit trading partner had been confirmed.

May told reporters that “the moment we trigger article 50 we’ll be able to ‘stick it’ to the bloated, festering, lefty liberal, and quite frankly, ‘frumpy’ EU.”

She added, “there will be free women’s shoes and handbags for every UK citizen able to cough-up three to four hundred quid a pop.”

The Daily Mail, Daily Express, and most UK Nans hailed the announcement as “a great and triumphant victory for Britain, Brexit, and the Churchill-pig-flesh-fiver”.

When asked if the ‘Great Lettuce Crisis’ will spread to all other EU food imports such as ‘all the fucking food in the supermarket’, Theresa May threw back her head and cackled madly.

She declared, “I believe it was the great Margaret Thatcher who once said ‘nothing tastes as good as looking fabulous in these new Ivanka Trump shoes feels’.”

She then made a sweeping turn, in her new long, black, leather Ivanka trench coat and slammed the door of Number Ten.

Despite not being approached for comment, Nigel Farage added, ‘There’s nothing better than being utterly dependent on an insane despot leader, willing to crush us under his tiny thumb, to prove we really are the greatest nation on earth.”