Consumers warned against buying black market “street” Marmite

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A price dispute between Tesco and Unilever has created a black market in cut-price street Marmite, we can reveal.

The conflict has resulted in Marmite vanishing from supermarkets, and organised crime gangs have already moved to fill demand from people craving a hit of the good stuff.

With Marmite, which has been used for mending punctures for many years, no longer available people are already turning to eating axle grease instead as it’s cheaper and better for them.

Container loads of cheap Chinese-made Marmite knockoffs have been seized at Dover, although the ones containing boot polish were let through due to them being much nicer than they stuff they sell here.

Elsewhere reports are coming in of gangs stockpiling Marmite to profiteer from desperate middle-aged women when winter arrives.

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Health watchdogs have warned of the dangers of buying street Marmite after finding a shipment of home-made spread which had been cut with Red Diesel to make the supplies go further.

“Perhaps most worryingly we found that Marmite cut with Diesel is a considerable improvement on the neat stuff,” we were told.

“It’s more palatable, smells better and there’s less of an aftertaste.”

Consumer groups have protested the move, warning that the lack of legitimate sources of Marmite is driving consumers into the arms of backstreet ‘dirty’ Vegemite where people share their jars and there’s no guarantee of cleanliness.