USA celebrates zero mass shootings in 2016

author avatar by 8 years ago

The United States is celebrating today after getting three days into 2016 with no mass shootings.

Seventy-two hours without a single massacre is being held up as a triumph for responsible gun ownership and categorical proof the model works.

NRA spokesman Simon-Bob Williams was delighted by the news.

“The NRA has always maintained that if you armed the population then sooner or later they’d go a day or two without murdering more than one person at a time,” he told us.

“And doggone it if we weren’t right. Almost three whole days, people. How’d you like them apples, liberals?”

NewsThump Best sellers

When asked if he thought the country could make it to the end of the week without wholesale slaughter, Simon-Bob replied, “Now hold on one cotton-pickin’ minute there, boy. I’m not in the prediction business.

“We’ve made it through the weekend, and already you commies are talkin’ ’bout Friday!

“Baby steps, people, baby steps.”

Distracted by the rattle of gunfire from outside in the street, Simon-Bob was then heard to mutter “Oh Dang” before turning his microphone off and refusing further questions.