Her Majesty the Queen has told her husband to ‘keep his bloody gob shut’ during the Chinese state visit, Buckingham Palace has confirmed this morning.
Not wishing to risk a diplomatic incident, the Queen has left a roll of sellotape on Philip’s bedside table as a reminder of what she’ll do if he can’t keep his trap closed this time.
Royal protection officers are reported to have been ordered to drag the Duke of Edinburgh from the room and sit on him until he gets it if he even looks like talking to anyone Chinese.
“Her Majesty has gone to a lot of trouble ringing out for a set meal for 127 persons for the state banquet tonight and wants it to go well,” Palace insiders told us.
“And round here ‘wanting it to go well’ is code for ‘Philip not saying anything’.”
“The Chinese have oodles of cash we want them to give us, and if Philip blows it by bellowing ‘Gadzooks! It’s the yellow peril!’ when they show up he’s going to get a right earful, mark my words.”
Acknowledged as a master of diplomacy, the Queen is expected to raise the matter of several hundred billion smackers over the crispy duck and prawn crackers with Chinese premier Xi Jingping this evening and doesn’t want Philip messing it up by calling him ‘Pingpong’ or something like that.
However, the Chinese delegation is reported to be unconcerned about possible diplomatic faux pas, as the British are all just round-eyed gweilo to them anyway.