Tuesday 7 October 2014

Lib Dems to unveil new policies they’ll ditch at first sniff of power

The Liberal Democrat conference is expected to hear plans for an innovative new policy today, one that will be ditched as soon as the prospect of any power whatsoever is put on the table before them.

Leader Nick Clegg is expected to present vote winning plans such as giving voters gold watches, or potentially free holidays abroad for anyone who voted Lib Dem.

Lib Dem spokesperson Simon Williams explained, “Being the Liberal Democrats is very liberating when it comes to policy announcements.  Mainly because everyone knows we’ll never have enough power to actually implement them.”

“We like to think of university tuition fees as being the trial run.  Pledging to never introduce fees was really popular, and it served us well – right until we threw the plan in the bin because David Cameron offered Nick an office near his.”

“But the public has seen this in action, so we have to step it up and promise something so extraordinary it might make voting Lib Dem seem like it’s worth the risk.”

“They might know, intellectually speaking, that it’ll never happen – but there’s still the chance they could get a gold watch or a free holiday out of it.”

Lib Dem conference

However those from the Labour and Conservative party have unveiled their planned election tactics to thwart the Lib Dems new policies.

“It’s pretty straight forward, we start every questions with ‘Nick, is this a policy you’re going to ditch if you’re offered a coalition’?”

“Hopefully voters will soon start to get the message.”

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