Wednesday 28 May 2014 by Adam Southward

Vatican suggests ‘speed-dating’ as Pope meets with sexual-abuse victims

Echoing his predecessor Benedict XVI in 2010, Pope Francis today said he would meet with several victims of sexual abuse at the Vatican early next month, but only if they agree to a speed-dating format.

The Papal suggestion, which would involve the Pope sitting on a golden throne wearing a very tall hat while abuse victims tell him their stories in sixty-second bursts, was frowned upon by several officials of a UK-based group advocating for victims of clerical sex abuse.

“They’re just being picky, sixty seconds is plenty long enough,” explained one Vatican official.

“In our experience that amount of time will give them a chance to get to straight to the good bits.”

“The sixty seconds is also for security reasons,” said Domenico Giani, Head of Vatican Security and a veteran speed-dater. ”

There’s no telling what these crazy people might do to his holiness if they’re given longer. I once took a nun’s knickers clean off in ninety seconds.”

Pope to meet abuse victims

Vatican officials were unwilling to consider a more traditional ‘meeting’, claiming that the top three candidates from the speed-dating round will go through to the next elimination round involving gladiators, bungee jumping and possibly bowling.

The interview was terminated by security at this point Vatican officials started to rub their thighs vigorously while dribbling from the mouth.

UKIP MP Dominic Faraday supported the idea, saying “I think the Catholic Church is a fine British institution and the Pope is one of our favourite homophobes.”

“Obviously we’re a little uneasy about speed-dating between two men, but I guess it’s not against the law over there in Vatican City, like it will be over here if we ever come to power.”

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