No, you can’t use ‘all reasonable force’ to protect your benefits, clarifies government

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The right to use force to protect your property doesn’t extend to situations where someone is trying to take away your benefits, the Government has clarified today.

With the expectation of being able to bludgeon to death anyone trying to take what’s yours delighting benefit claimants around the country, the Government has been forced to issue a statement.

“These rights only apply to the property-owning classes, obviously,” read a Government spokesperson.

“If you have very little, or nothing at all, then I’m afraid we can do what we like to take whatever you have left.”

“It was a difficult decision, I assure you. But when it comes down to a straight decision between a mansion tax and benefit cuts, then there really is no decision to make, is there?”

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Benefit recipient Simon Williams told us, “I don’t understand – I have literally never been happier at a Tory policy statement than when they said you can kill people trying to take your stuff.”

“I was only hoping that George Osborne was going to come round personally and try and take my housing benefit from me and my children.”

“But now you’re saying I can’t freely strike him about the head with this cricket bat?”

“What sort of half-arsed liberal policy is this?”