Wednesday 26 September 2012

Church of England keen to elect imaginary friend’s favourite

The church of England has begun the difficult process of electing a new leader by asking candidates who has the best relationship with their shared imaginary friend.

With the retirement of Dr Rowan Williams later this year, the Church is keen to ensure it has someone else to lead the organisation and to claim he hears voices in his head from an all-powerful deity.

Archbishop hopeful Bishop of Norwich Graham James told reporters, “I have God over for tea all the time, and saw him only last Wednesday – we’re like ‘that’ you see.”

“He’s talking to me righ now – do you want to know what he says? Apparently Jesus thinks I’d make a great archbishop – but don’t let that affect your decision, obviously.”

New Archbishop of Canterbury

However competing Bishops have insisted that they are God’s favourite and that the evidence is all around them.

Archbishop of York Dr John Sentamu told anyone listening, “God not only talks to me, he appears to me all the time – on toast, in a patch of damp in the bathroom, on the lid of a marmite jar.”

“I’m really lucky because he holds the exact same views as me on homosexuality. He called it an abomination and that we should fight it all the way.”

“Oh yes he did.”

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