John Terry retires to spend more time with other people’s families

John Terry has announced his immediate retirement from International football in order to spend more time with other people’s families.

Terry insisted that media scrutiny over the last two years had made his position as a philanderer ‘untenable’

He told on female reporter, “This is a sad day for me, but a day that opens up all sorts of interesting opportunities – my, that’s a smashing blouse you’ve got on.”

“I’ll still be around to take my turn holding the trophy if England ever win one – don’t worry about that. I could tell you more over coffee?”

Terry retires

The move has left many England players facing a selection dilemma of their own.

One former England International told us, “Being on international with John Terry was always relaxing because you knew for a fact he wasn’t trying it on with your girlfriend back home.”

“Playing for England is a huge honour, but leaving the country for a tournament when John Terry is within driving distance of your wife is a massive gamble that I’m sure many players won’t be willing to take.”

“I’d expect another couple of dozen International retirements today if I were you.”

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