Thursday 19 January 2012 by VCG

Survey of crime victims finds 100% of Brits have been victims of crime

A survey of victims of crime, carried out by the British Crime Survey, has come to the conclusion that every resident of Britain has been a victim of crime over the last year.

“Obviously we didn’t survey everybody in the country as that would be impractical, but we worked with various police forces and surveyed thousands of people who had reported crimes during 2011.” explained a spokesman for the BCS.

“Our sample size was large enough to be able to draw real conclusions, and by extrapolating those results we came to the shocking discovery that every single person in Britain was the victim of some form of crime last year.”

The discovery will give further ammunition to those who oppose the government’s cuts to police budgets, and Shadow Home Secretary Yvette Cooper was quick to have her say.

Crime statistics

“The results of this survey show how misguided the coalition government are in their attacks on police budgets. In 2010 8% of the population were the victim of crime.”

“In 2011 this has risen to 100%. If this trend continues then we will see police forces attempting to deal with a situation where 1,250% of British residents are the victims of crime in 2012. How are they supposed to do that on a reduced budget?”

When asked whether he had been a victim of crime in the last 12 months himself the BCS spokesman responded “Well no, now that you mention it I wasn’t.”

“I didn’t think I was anyway, but I stand by these results so I guess I must have been. You can’t argue with statistics.”

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