Government to boost UK workers’ morale with cake bake

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The government has pledged to boost the morale of employees by insisting companies allow them to decorate their workspace over the festive period, take part in a cake bake and pay £1 to wear casual clothes on Fridays.

The move comes after the government revealed changes in employment law that will allow employers to increase the contempt they show their workforce.

Business Secretary Vince Cable will outline plans for employers to set up a Motivation Committee that will consist of intensely annoying sycophantic arseholes.

The key points include:

  • organising raffles that will give employees the chance to win a bottle of cheap Chardonnay that they wouldn’t even put on their chips.
  • distributing word searches based on an approaching national holiday – purely for fun!
  • allowing different departments to decorate their area in the national colours of football teams competing in next years Euro 2012 football competition. Each department will be judged by senior managers, and the best one will win a tin of Quality Street to share.

Mr Cable will also confirm plans for a treasure hunt that will take place outside of working hours, but will still require the attendance of all employees.

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Workers are beside themselves with joy at the proposals, with one senior administrator at a leading insurer telling us, “I feel really reassured that despite it becoming increasingly easier for my employer to sack me for no reason, we will still be allowed to have fun, but only when it’s appropriate”

“I hope we continue to get those emails telling us that the difficult economic climate means that we all face an uncertain future.”

“You know the ones? They’re usually followed by an announcement of increased profits.”