Sorry, $11,7bn profit just isn’t enough, HSBC tells employees

HSBC has revealed that a pre-tax profit of $11.7bn isn’t anywhere near enough money to stop it wiping its giant banking arse with employees, after announcing it was to axe 25,000 jobs.

The job cuts are part of a strategy that the bank hope will save between $2.5bn-$3.5bn by 2013, ensuring that it can build a big house out of money on top of an enormous mountain of money in the middle of a forest made of money.

A spokesperson for HSBC told us, “The only thing better than making $11.7bn, is knowing that there’s a few million more you could make by screwing over the workforce.”

“Economists might call these figures supernormal profits, we prefer the term ‘super-awesome’.”

Despite the job cuts, which amount to about 10% of HSBC’s total workforce, the company stressed that by 2013 it will be looking to recruit staff looking for new opportunities, such “being crapped on regularly by a soulless global banking behemoth”.

HSBC profits

Pre-tax profits in the UK were up 29% to £843m, with group chief executive Stuart Gulliver revealing “Hmmmm, it might sound a lot to some people, but if you’re extraordinarily greedy, have complete disregard for everyone but your shareholders, and are in league with Satan, then it’s just a drop in the ocean.”

HSBC is the first of the UK’s major banks to publish its half-year results, with Lloyds Banking Group, Royal Bank of Scotland and Barclays are all expected to leave the country with sick in their mouths later this week.