People unwilling to spend money they haven’t got on things they don’t want, reveals pension review

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Private sector workers are becoming increasingly reluctant to pay money into occupational pension schemes that are the savings equivalent of a backstreet abortion, according to a new survey.

A review by the Workplace Retirement Income Commission found that up to nine million people face a “bleak old age” because private sector pension provision is “completely shit”.

Lord McFall, who was commissioned to investigate the state of the sector by the National Association of Pension Funds (NAPF), said “Bloody Hell, I’m glad I’m already minted, because anyone relying on a private sector pension to see them through old age is completely screwed.”

The shittiness of private sector pensions has left workers weighing up the pros and cons of scraping by in poverty on the state pension or throwing money at a savings scheme that has more charges than the Battle of Balaclava.

“People ask me what it’s like facing such an uncertain future,” revealed 42 year old senior administrator, Cynthia Hawkins.

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“My future isn’t incertain. I am without any doubt, completely and utterly fucked.”