Opportunities to legally murder a criminal in your own home in England and Wales have increased by 14% in 2010-11 compared with the previous year, the British Crime Survey (BCS) suggests.
The survey of 45, 000 households found that inhabitants had missed innumerable opportunities to not only test the quality of their kitchenware, but also the veracity of David Cameron’s recent assertion that householders can use all necessary force to protect their property.
Homeowner Peter Williams expressed his dismay at the lack of interest shown by burglars in the various items of high re-sale value he has readily available in his home.
He told reporters, “I don’t even bother to lock my windows any more when I go to bed.”
“They are open all night long whilst I expectantly await the pitter patter of criminal feet scoping out my expensively assembled household goods.”
“The recent law changes suggested by Cameron have really turned the tables in favour of the grotesquely violent in society who have been biting their bottom lip as they await their first victim.”
Burglary up 14%
Williams continued, “From worrying about the consequences of administering a head lock to any unexpected guests, to waiting on tenderhooks for my first chance to bury a machete into the rib cage of an intruder in such a short amount of time, is remarkable.’
“My palms are sweating just thinking about it.”
Prolific burglar Charlton Matthews has confirmed burglars are displaying a discernible change in how they go about picking their victims.
“My preference in the Chinese.”
“There’s only so much damage you can do with chop sticks.”