Large fall in essentially dull people pretending to be bisexual

author avatar by 13 years ago

A report out today suggests the number of people feigning bisexuality in an attempt to appear interesting or controversial has fallen dramatically from ten million to just over 240,000.

Data from a survey by the Office for National Statistics showed that 95 % of respondents were heterosexual while 1% considered themselves gay, with a mere 0.5 % bisexual.

A further 3%, contrary to the spirit of the survey, played their cards close to their chests and ticked the box marked ‘That’s for me to know and you to find out’.

Gay Rights organisation Stonewall meanwhile claim they are tired of having their phone lines jammed by former bisexuals wrestling with their heterosexuality after trying the lifestyle and finding that it doesn’t suit them.


Niall Watson of County Down decided he was ‘bi’ after watching a Big Brother contestant drink two bottles of wine and announce to the housemates that “it may come as a total shock to my elderly parents and my husband of sixteen years but I like to swing both ways.”

Watson immediately took a job as an air steward with RyanAir, but following his failure to exhibit any remotely bisexual mannerisms during the safety drill, he quickly grew tired of hearing passengers whisper that he was so ‘obviously straight’ and ‘who did he think he was kidding?’ H

e admits his £300 annual gym subscription has been a total waste of money and when a well-built cute guy recently asked him how many kilos he could press, instead of gazing longingly into his eyes and responding with some kind of double entendre, Watson responded, “About 50 kilos, what the fuck has it got to do wit you?”

Stonewall’s Peter Tatchell yesterday had advice for anyone returning to the heterosexual fold, “We suggest you go see the stage production of Mamma Mia with a group of female friends, and if you find that you’re sat firmly in your seat while everybody else is dancing then it’s time to face the truth about who you are and confront your interminable dullness.”