Poppy cultivation and opium production in Afghanistan have decreased sharply pushing prices upwards and forcing junkies to steal even more of our televisions, according to a United Nations report.
The UN Office on Drugs and Crime says cultivation has dropped 22% in a year and opium production by 10%
Both the UN and a spokesperson for Afghan Opium Farmers Association claimed the drop of production was a success.
The UN continued, “The drop in production shows that our mission in Afghanistan is having real positive effects despite our soldiers being blown up all the time.”
But the Afghan Opium Farmers Association responded, “The fall in Heroin production is deliberate move by AOFA, obviously.”
“We read newspapers over here you know, and we have seen how OPEC control the price of a much in demand natural resource.”
“The only difference between us and OPEC is that one of us refines a naturally occurring substance into something users would kill to get hold of, and we make Heroin.”
“We know that we can manipulate the price upwards with a small drop in production, and who doesn’t want to be paid more for doing less?”
“Why should we kill ourselves toiling in poppy fields when we can take a day off each week and make the planet’s junkies steal twice as much to pay for our product?”
“We produce a little less, you Westerners pat yourselves on the back, and our prices sky-rocket.”
“It’s Arabian economics 101.”
When asked for a comment on the AOFA pricing strategy, the UN Office on Drugs and Crime told us, “Oh, we hadn’t thought of that.”