Old people appear to have stopped dying, says ONS

author avatar by 15 years ago

The UK population has grown by the biggest increase for almost 50 years as old people appear to have stopped dying, according to the Office for National Statistics.

The number of people living in the UK has topped 61 million for the first time, despite a 44% fall in immigration levels.

This record growth has lead statisticians to blame the large number of old people who insist on clinging desperately to their extremely unfulfilling existences.

An ONS spokesperson told us, “People are being born at a greater rate, mainly due to our teenagers waving their genitals about like confetti at one of their friends shotgun weddings.”

“But the single biggest problem remains the fact that the nation’s old people are steadfastly refusing to die as quickly as we’ve come to expect.”

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Lust for life

Spokesperson for Octogenarians Unite, Gerald Simms, 85 told us, “Yes, we are clinging desperately to our rapidly deteriorating lives, but why not?”

“There are plenty of reasons to stay alive a bit longer.  Maude, our Treasurer, is desperate find out what happens in the last season of Lost.”

“Personally speaking, I flatly refuse to shuffle off this mortal coil before that waste of space Kerry Katona.”

“Even by spending my days lying in a bed whilst filling various bags with bodily fluids ensures I contribute more to society than that coke-snorting nutcase.”

“Though I admit her current mental state means my time, too, might soon be at an end.”


The ONS have said the older generations unwillingness to die is adding further strain to our faltering economy.

“It’s making the recession worse.  Many of us are waiting for Grandpa to pops his clogs, because as soon as he dies we’ll sell his house and buy a new car and a big new television, therefore reviving the economy the old fashioned way.”

“But now that there’s a new series of Strictly Come Dancing to watch, Grandpa could be here until Christmas.”