A new website for apprenticeships in England has filled just 7% of the advertised vacancies, despite offering a whole £95 a week to prospective trainees.
The government said the apprentice system was working, and successful completion rates were rising, as many apprentices had completely forgetten to ask how much they will be paid.
One 17 year-old had considered an apprenticeship until he was told how much he would be earning for the next three years.
“There’s a kid from my school who used to eat chalk in every class, and he’s earning £150 a week at Tesco collecting trolleys.”
“Did you really expect me to work for less than that retard? I don’t want him waving all those extra packets of chalk he could buy in my face.”
The scheme is failing despite the Government’s recruitment of Lord Alan of Sugar to front the campaign.
“This is a great scheme,” said Lord Sugar.
“Not for me personally, as I wouldn’t employ a gormless mong bereft of any qualifications even if you paid me, which you do, sort of.”
“But I still wouldn’t. I prefer my potential employees to be photogenic, argumentative and with the ambition to earn more than you’d get from a 20 hour week sweeping the streets.”
When asked for a statement, the shadow employment secretary said, “hahaha, hahahahaha…haha!”