The number of new cases of H1N1 swine flu in England and Scotland has fallen significantly after 110,000 self-diagnosed cases miraculously recovered, latest figures show.
The number of new cases dropped to 30,000, from 110,000 the week before, after work-shy hypochondriacs admitted they didn’t actually want a week at home whilst it was pissing down outside.
People who were convinced they were dying seven days ago have finally been forced to admit “it might have been a cold” and return to work seeing the number fall to a more realistic number.
The reduced infection rate is expected to fall further until somebody announces that you can get swine-flu twice, or the weather takes a dramatic turn for the better.
Many companies have welcomed the return to work of previously ‘sick’ employees whilst analysts have criticised their decision to self-diagnose.
“It’s a risky strategy,” said Herbert Levinson, of the Society for the Prevention of Work.
“On the one hand, it’s a guaranteed free week off work.”
“But on the other, you could be stuck at home watching it piss down outside and see an Ashes test completely washed out.”
“Our advice to anyone considering self-diagnosis is to check the long-term weather forecast, and maybe hold off until your boss has scheduled some rather unpleasant duties for you.”