As the Government announced an independent inquiry into the Iraq war that will be held in private, compel no-one to testify, and apportion no blame, everyone asked Gordon Brown why we should fucking bother.
The inquiry will start next month and take at least a year, to ensure that any heavily-edited findings will not affect Mr Brown’s already microscopic chances of re-election next May.
“It is right and proper that this inquiry is held in secret, with zero accountability, and without anyone knowing what is going on,” said Brown.
“After all, that is exactly how the Iraq war started in the first place, so it has a certain symmetry to it.”
“Plus, every time a newspaper exclusively uncovers an awkward fact from the inquiry about our implicit deceit of the nation, I have complete plausible deniability.”
“I just want to make my last ten months as Prime Minister as easy as possible.”
Previous Prime Minister Tony Blair has already agreed to provide evidence as part of the inquiry.
“No-one will know what is said? And I can refuse to answer any questions I don’t like and no-one will ever know? Then yes, of course I’ll be there.” he said.
The Prime Minister’s decision to hold the inquiry in private takes his run to almost two years in office without making a single popular decision.
“It takes a very special character to go that long without doing something even remotely popular, even if it was by accident,” said political analyst Francis Dubois.
“Seriously, you could have given the job to Big Brother retard Brian Belo and the law of averages says he would have made at least four popular decisions in the last two years.”
“It’s beginning to look like the only way to make him the most popular person in the room, is to have it contain just him and Nick Griffin, and even then it’s close.”
“The question now is, can he complete his term in office with his good-decision virginity completely intact?”