Thursday 5 April 2018 by Neil Tollfree

‘I don’t know why my nose is growing’ insists Boris Johnson, as his nose visibly grows


Boris Johnson nose growing

Alleged Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson has given a press conference to the assembled media in order to address the mystery of his strangely growing nose.

Mr Johnson’s nose was currently holding fast at eleven inches long, having most recently grown a quarter of an inch several weeks ago whilst he claimed that a scientist from Porton Down had confirmed that the Salisbury nerve agent was definitely of Russian origin.

However, it visibly grew another quarter of an inch during the press conference as Mr Johnson denied knowing why it could be growing at a rate of a quarter of an inch per sentence uttered.

It first became visibly apparent to onlookers that the Foreign Secretary’s nose was getting longer during the Brexit campaign, however, investigations have subsequently shown that even before that campaign it had grown somewhat during his tenure as editor of the Spectator when he published several stories about how much the EU cares about bananas.

“I have no idea why my nose is growing,” said Mr Johnson, causing reporters to gasp as his nose noticeably grew a little longer.

“I can only conclude that it must be because of Jeremy Corbyn and his merry band of antisemites,” he added before journalists in the front row were forced to duck to avoid losing an eye.

It is expected that thanks to Johnson’s latest claims, at least one of tomorrow’s so-called newspapers plans to run with the headline – ‘Red Jezza hates Britain so much he used communist chemicals to make Boris’s nose grow’.

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