Friday 17 March 2017 by Neil Tollfree

Everyone pretending to like Guinness


Man drinking guinness

Widespread reports are emerging today to suggest that everyone is currently pretending to enjoy pints of Guinness.

According to the reports, numerous pubs across the country are already full of people taking far too long over a pint and suppressing a shudder every time they take a sip of what is colloquially known as ‘the black stuff’.

The reason for the upsurge in people pretending to enjoy a ‘drink’ that tastes like ditch-water flavoured with misery is St. Patricks Day; A day where people across the globe put on furry green top hats and claim lineage to somewhere in the ‘auld country’.

“I love Guinness, actually,” said Simon Williams, a prick, as he barely stifled an involuntary retch.

“In fact, I’m one-sixteenth Irish, so that’s why I’ve got a taste for it. I’ll probably be drinking it all the time from now on I’d have thought.”

Mr Williams almost certainly then went on to claim that ‘actually it tastes loads better if you’re actually in Ireland’ despite never having been actually in Ireland in his life.

As pubs are expected to remain full of people like Mr Williams throughout the rest of the day, everyone who isn’t a colossal arsehole is advised to stay in tonight and watch Gogglebox instead.

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