Wednesday 1 October 2014 by Neil Tollfree

We will let you hunt the poor with dogs, promise Conservatives


Osborne benefit claim hunting

Theresa May today revealed Tory plans to legalise the hunting of benefit claimants through the countryside with dogs and horses.

The plan is in response to calls to reduce benefit spending, and also give rich people more fun stuff to do at weekends.

May told the conference, “One of the prime targets of this Government has been to reduce the benefits burden on hard-working families of our country and the simplest way to do so is to release benefit claimants into the countryside, blow your little hunting horn and run the buggers down with a large pack of hounds.

“What-ho! Pip-pip, toot-toot, hoorah!” she concluded.

Simon Williams, a benefit claimant from Bracknell had mixed feelings about the announcement,

He told us, “Yeah, I mean, right, I quite like the countryside. You know, trees and that. But I’m not sure I want to be really torn apart by dogs. Will I be back in time for Doctor Who?”

Mrs May dismissed claims that this was a cynical vote grabber designed to benefit the tory heartland and alienate those who will simply never vote Tory.

She went on, “What you have to remember, and I really can’t emphasise this enough, is that those benefit claimants will all be killed.

“It’s a really vicious pack of dogs. So, their voting intentions are largely moot.”

We spoke to one rather wealthy individual about the plans, who told us, “Oh, how super!

“The countryside has been ruined since they stopped us rampaging round it killing things. I’ll give my helmet a jolly good polish in anticipation,” concluded the boggle-eyed, inbred weirdo.

Some have already denounced the plans as deeply immoral and inhumane, though Mrs May claimed she didn’t understand what those words meant.

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