World

Washington NFL team changes name to ‘American Capital City Ball-Throwing Persons’

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After a long controversy surrounding the use of the name ‘redskins’, Washington DC’s NFL side has changed their name to the perfectly accurate and offensive-to-no-one ‘American Capital City Ball-Throwing Persons’.

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PizzaGate conspiracy theorist desperately trying to ignore Trump-shaped hole on his vision board

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A local conspiracy theorist is reportedly “still very confident” in his belief in the infamous PizzaGate conspiracy theory, and has confirmed that he has “no idea what you’re talking about” when asked about the giant Donald Trump-shaped hole on his vision board.

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Britain offers sanctuary to Martians after China launches mission to red planet

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The British government has announced it will offer sanctuary and a route to citizenship after China launched its first mission to the Red Planet today.

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Donald Trump reaffirms his hatred of all paedophiles he isn’t personally friends with

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Jeffrey Epstein friend and current US President Donald Trump has spoken out about his opposition to the “evils” of paedophilia and sex trafficking, confirming this morning that he hates every single paedophile he hasn’t personally been friends with since the 90s.

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Donald Trump warns his handling of US pandemic will ‘get worse before it gets better’

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President Donald Trump has warned today that his dismal and somewhat erratic handling of the current pandemic in the US is likely to get worse before it gets better, at least until November anyway.

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Parliament to be temporarily relocated to Moscow while palace of Westminster repaired

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Boris Johnson has suggested moving parliament to Moscow while the crumbling Palace of Westminster is refurbished in order to make Russia interference in British democracy more efficient, saving Russian taxpayers potentially millions.

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Man who was furious about unelected European bureaucrats trying to run Britain curiously fine with unelected Russian ones doing it

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A man has today said he has no interest in anyone investigating further if Russia influenced the EU referendum, insisting that unelected bureaucrats trying to run Britain is OK as long as they agree with him.

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Secret globalist cabal delighted with conspiracy theory that has stopped people wearing masks and allowed continued facial recognition

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A secret cabal of globalist billionaires is today celebrating their success in getting gullible idiots to ditch facemasks, after it became apparent that wearing them rendered their global facial recognition systems obsolete.

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Kanye West unveils electoral platform of unbridled narcissism and twattish attention-seeking

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Kanye West launched his campaign for the presidency by giving the American public a taste of the tedious attention-whoring dross he is going to inflict on the world for the next 15 weeks, or until his album is released.

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Country that has lost 140,000 people to Coronavirus feeling reassured that President has a regular bean supplier

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Americans are reportedly feeling much better about their lives and the general state of the world today, after US President Donald Trump reassured the public on Twitter that, despite the raging pandemic which has killed 140,000 Americans and counting, there had been no disruption to his daily supply of beans.

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