World

German experiment on NASA’s InSight robot lays beach towel on surface of Mars

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An experiment created by Germany and placed onboard NASA’s InSight robot has put down a beach towel after the probe landed successfully on Mars.

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Americans spend evening giving thanks for stuff they have before getting up to fight over stuff they don’t need

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Families across America spent yesterday evening giving thanks for everything they have, before waking up this morning prepared to kill for things they don’t need.

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Theresa May to slaughter several journalists to improve relations with US

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Inexplicable Prime Minister Theresa May has announced that she will institute a programme of humane journalist slaughter in order to improve relations with the US.

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Obscenely wealthy Muslims actually pretty cool, confirms Trump

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Donald Trump has spoken out in support of the Saudi regime, insisting that although Muslims obviously aren’t all that great, it’s actually OK to be friends with the obscenely rich ones.

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Shooting people now USA’s third most popular pastime

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Following yesterday’s massacre at a Chicago hospital, shooting people is now the third most popular way to spend leisure time in the United States, being kept off the top spot only by traditional stalwarts basketball and baseball.

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Hillary Clinton offers advice to ‘Crooked Ivanka’ on deleting emails

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Presidential runner-up Hillary Clinton has reached out to the Trump family in their time of need and offered to guide them through the process of getting rid of potentially incriminating emails.

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“I refuse to be drenched in anything other than hooker piss” confirms Trump

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If it’s not urine, it’s not worth it, according to the President of the United States.

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Stan Lee takes up permanent cameo in a billion grateful imaginations

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Stan Lee has died aged 95, taking up his final role in the imaginations of a billion grateful comic book fans whose lives have been immeasurably enriched by his creations.

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Theresa May hit by colossal metaphor as she is involved in car crash in Belgium

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Theresa May has been hit by a gigantic metaphor whilst travelling along what she had been told by advisors would be an easy road through Europe.

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White shooter was “Lonely, misunderstood, mentally ill and such and such”

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A shooter has been given the usual adjectives reserved for white perpetrators of mass murder.

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