World

Winner of inaugural Saudi backed LIV Golf tournament to receive $4m and front row tickets to a public hanging

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The winner of this week’s inaugural Saudi backed LIV Golf tournament is set to receive a massive four million dollar pay out, along with front row tickets to a public hanging taking place on the 18th hole. 

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Russian Generals added to international red list of endangered species

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The Russian General, with its beautiful plumage of shiny medals and gold braid, is in danger of becoming extinct if ‘unrestrained’ culling of the species doesn’t stop soon, environmental scientists have warned.

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Observers of Johnny Depp trial only willing to trust result of US or UK court case depending on what they already believed

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Johnny Depp winning his defamation trial in the US is either ‘justice served’ or a ‘miscarriage of justice’, depending on what you believed before the whole saga began.

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Forgiving nonces is OUR territory, screams angry Pope in call to Archbishop of Canterbury

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After the Archbishop of Canterbury called on people to forgive Prince Andrew, an angry Pope made an expletive-laden phone call explaining that the Church of England better steer clear of defending nonces.

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Report: Humanity remains happy with shitty cabal of bastards ruling over them

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A new report has found that humans across the globe remain largely happy with having a shitty cabal of bastards ruling over them.

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Republicans finally back gun control after school shootings repositioned as 560-week abortions

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Senior Republicans have finally thrown their weight behind gun reform after the latest school shooting was repositioned as a series of 560-week abortions.

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NRA members warn that sensible gun controls could have devastating effect on libido

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NRA members at their leadership event in Houston have warned that the introduction of sensible gun control could lead to permanently flaccid penises.

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NRA insists Texas school mass-shooting caused by ‘dangerous lack of guns’

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21 deaths in a Texas elementary school could have been averted had there been more guns among pupils and teachers, the National Rifle Association has insisted today.

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You can keep your thoughts and prayers because you could fix this yourself, God tells America

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God has rejected America’s latest batch of thoughts and prayers following another mass shooting, this time in a Texas Elementary School, telling them he doesn’t grant prayers for things you can easily fix yourself.

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Traumatised American schoolchildren offered safe haven in Ukraine

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American kids at risk of gun violence have been offered sanctuary in the Donbas region of Ukraine, it has emerged today. 

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