World

Boris Johnson encourages people to defeat Coronavirus by showing up in public as rarely as he does

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Boris Johnson has a valuable tip for the British people: “Beat the spread of Coronavirus by showing up in public as rarely as I do”, he told reporters today.

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Pestilence getting increasingly impatient waiting for other Horsemen of the Apocalypse to show up

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The supernatural embodiment of disease and the inventor of the coronavirus, Pestilence, is getting sick of waiting for his partners Famine and War to arrive so that they can kick off a proper Apocalypse.

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Fuel companies thinking of cutting the price of petrol by 1p after oil price halves

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Turmoil in the international markets overnight has left the price of oil half what is was two months ago – resulting in leading fuel companies thinking about knocking a penny of the price of petrol.

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Medical genius Donald Trump discovers that COVID-19 infection numbers go down when you don’t test for it

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In a shocking revelation, Lasker prize nominee and renowned polymath Donald Trump has shared his incredible discovery that the rate of coronavirus infections can be slowed down dramatically simply by not testing for it.

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Coronavirus crisis in Italy leads Donald Trump to close all US Pizzerias

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To prevent the spread of the Coronavirus on American soil, US President Donald Trump has the extraordinary step of signing an executive order requiring the closure of all pizzerias across the United States.

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Harvey Weinstein learning first-hand about ‘unwanted sexual advances’ after first prison shower

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Convicted sex offender and former Hollywood producer Harvey Weinstein is learning what it means to be subjected to unwanted sexual advances by a much more powerful individual after being made uncomfortable by the demands of his fellow inmates.

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We never bought that Zimmer frame bullshit, Harvey Weinstein told

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Convicted rapist Harvey Weinstein has discovered that pretending to need a walking frame is not considered a defence in a court of law.

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Shark survives attack by New Zealand surfer

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Shark Simon Williams has spoken of his relief at surviving a potentially life-threatening encounter with New Zealand surfer, Nick Minogue.

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Vivaldi’s Four Seasons reduced to Two in light of climate change

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Antonio Vivaldi’s Four Seasons concerti will now consist of just two seasons, because that’s all there are these days.

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Katie Hopkins suddenly keen to avoid everyone judging a whole group because of the actions of one lone murderer

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Far-right provocateur and walking yeast infection Katie Hopkins has been uncharacteristically vocal about the unfairness of ascribing collective guilt now that it’s been shown the mass murderer in Germany was not Muslim.

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