World

Childproof lock added to White House nuclear launch button

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The Pentagon is confident it has averted Armageddon after fitting a childproof lock to the nuclear launch button in the Oval Office.

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‘You f*ckers are useless’ declares David Attenborough as he arrives in the Amazon in stolen fire engine

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David Attenborough has had enough and has taken matters into his own hands.

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Media declare Amazon fires ‘important enough for front page’ after discovery of old cathedral in the rain forest

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The world’s media has agreed that the Amazon forest fires are worthy of the front page after learning that an old cathedral was threatened along with 20% of the planet’s oxygen making ability.

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Donald Trump announces plans to buy Narnia from Middle Earth

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Bouncing back from the disappointment of not being able to buy Greenland, President of America, King of Israel, Chosen one, and very stable genius Donald Trump has announced a plan to buy the magical land of Narnia from Middle Earth.

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‘I am the chosen one’ says man who doesn’t live in real world and wants guns – lots of guns

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President Trump appears to have explained why he exists in a fantasy world and loves firearms.

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Isle of Wight renamed Isle of White in hope Donald Trump might fancy buying it

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The Isle of Wight is today rebranding as the Isle of White in the hope Donald Trump is still looking for a European island to buy.

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Denmark counteroffers by offering to buy Puerto Rico

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Denmark has responded to Donald Trump’s offer to buy Greenland with a suggestion they buy Puerto Rico instead, as ‘he’s not taking very good care of it’.

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But Berlin’s hard border worked really well, Boris Johnson tells Angela Merkel

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Boris Johnson is meeting Angela Merkel in Berlin where he will persuade her to remove the Irish backstop plan by pointing out that the hard border between East and West Germany didn’t cause any problems.

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Trump administration moves to abolish women

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The American government confirmed today that it intends to abolish women as it believes that they are responsible for all the evils of the world.

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Orphaned baby said I was doing a great job, the best, claims Donald Trump

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Donald Trump has spoken of the glowing endorsement he was given by the orphaned baby used in his photo op at an El Paso hospital yesterday.

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