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Chinese government insists it will be keen to talk again about Huawei after Brexit

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Following the leak of high-level cabinet discussions, about limiting Huawei’s access to the UK’s future 5G network, the authorities in Beijing have said they were not upset and would love to discuss the topic again once Britain is a freebooting nation free from the shackles of a hugely influential trading block.

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Joe Biden announces latest Democrat plan to hand Trump another election win

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Former US vice-president Joe Biden has announced the latest Democratic plan to hand Donald Trump the keys to the White House again.

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Kim Jong-un has already spotted all of the Easter Eggs in Avengers: Endgame, insists North Korea

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The Korean Central News Agency, the official news agency of North Korea, issued a statement today claiming that the country’s Supreme Leader, Kim Jong Un, has already spotted all the Easter Eggs in the brand new Marvel movie, Avengers: Endgame.

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Anti-vax bellends somehow worried about creating children as amazing as Greta Thunberg

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Anti-vax arseholes responsible for the coming measles pandemic are of the opinion that large scale infant mortality problems are better than creating a generation of highly-intelligent autistic children capable of understanding basic science.

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2078: As global warming destroys planet, people just glad Londoners of the past could get home in time for the One Show

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After a decade that saw vast swathes of equatorial land become too hot to sustain population, that saw the loss of 50% of Europe’s land mass to flooding, and that saw conclusive proof that climate change would destroy the planet within a generation, the overriding emotion of the remaining population of Britain was one of relief that Londoners of 2019 were able to get home in time for the One Show.

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Queen to seek asylum in Ecuadorian Embassy during Donald Trump’s state visit

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Buckingham Palace officials have contacted the Ecuadorian Embassy to ask if their spare room will be available for the duration of Donald Trump’s forthcoming state visit. 

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Britons eagerly begin stockpiling bottles of piss in preparation for Donald Trump state visit

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Protestors have already begun storing up their urine in plastic containers ahead of a rumoured Donald Trump state visit this summer.

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William Barr publishes summary of Harry Potter series claiming Voldemort was “completely exonerated”

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US Attorney General William Barr has used his unique ability to summarise large volumes of text into easily digestible soundbites, by insisting the seven-volume Harry Potter saga completely exonerates Lord Voldemort.

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Redacted Mueller report shows Trump guilty of ████████ with ███████ and ████ ██ ███!

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The long-anticipated Mueller report has finally been released, though the Attorney General has redacted the bit about Donald Trump ████ ██████ with the ██████ in the run-up to the 2016 presidential election.

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Catholics busy confusing science with divine intervention

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Following the terrible blaze at Notre Dame Cathedral this week, some Catholics have pointed out that God must be real because a golden Crucifix above the altar survived the inferno.

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