UK

Priti Patel orders police to shoot anyone driving slower than 50mph in new law inspired by the film ‘Speed’

The Home Secretary is tackling go-slow fuel protests with a new law that ensures anyone dropping below 50mph is instantly killed. With rolling 30mph roadblocks causing chaos on Britain’s roads, Priti Patel has been inspired by the 1994 action movie ‘Speed’ and has come up with the perfect solution. “Whenever a vehicle reaches a speed

Nadine Dorries announces plans to sell off failing Netflix

Nadine Dorries, Minister for Eradication of Culture, has announced a plan to sell of the failing streaming service Netflix.

Flu-style seasonal Covid vaccine enrages simpleton who spent last two years insisting Covid is ‘just the Flu’

Covid is basically the flu, but we definitely shouldn’t be treating it the same way we treat flu, according the Internet’s great thinkers today.

‘I had no idea I needed to worry about Mr Pinchy-bottom Pincher the Perv’ insists Boris

Boris Johnson has insisted today that he had no idea about any previous allegations or rumours surrounding his friend and deputy chief whip affectionately knows as ‘Mr Pinchy bottom Pincher the perv’.

‘So we’re calling cake, pass the parcel and musical chairs a ‘party’ now?’ asks Nadine Dorries

Managing Watford to become the new jury duty

Police decline to investigate Michael Gove’s lockdown birthday party after no one turned up

Met Police calls in Sherlock Holmes for the mysterious case of ‘the lockdown breaches the guilty have already publicly admitted to’

Boris Johnson asks Vladimir Putin if he can bring his invasion of Ukraine forward to this week please

Boris Johnson announces inquiry into when his birthday is

Weary public braces for “I didn’t know it was my birthday party”

Machines able to distract humans by shutting down entire Matrix except Wordle

Concern that people who comment on local newspaper Facebook stories may actually vote

Government confident we are close to successfully pretending pandemic doesn’t exist

War imminent after frontline Russian troops given list of Ukraine’s five most beautiful cathedrals

Nadine Dorries tells Tory rebels ‘If you really want attention, try eating kangaroo anus on television’

Vladimir Putin hospitalised with laughing fit after stern Liz Truss urges him to ‘step back’ from Ukraine

‘I’ve seen no evidence of intimidation’ insists Boris Johnson, holding invoice for 54 severed horses heads

Tommy Robinson not that fussed about going to the Vatican to report on all the Catholic paedophiles

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