UK

Clarkson’s new show to be socially responsible celebration of diversity and environment

Professional contrarian Jeremy Clarkson insists he has learnt from his past mistakes and promises his new Amazon show will be nothing but a socially responsible celebration of equality, liberalism and extreme box-ticking when it airs on November 18th.

UK

Stupid man actually too stupid to realise he’s stupid

Entire Atlantic Ocean to be disinfected after Nigel Farage skinny-dip

The Atlantic Ocean is to be thoroughly disinfected following contamination after Nigel Farage’s skinny-dip off Bournemouth seafront.

Man United struggling to replace Howard Webb, insists Jose Mourinho

Following a third straight defeat, Man United manager Jose Mourinho has insisted the club have never recovered from Howard Webb’s retirement.

UK

Northumbria police urged to check the top of their ‘net’ for holes

Mosquito claims Cheryl Cole Malaria bite was self-defence

Drunk parents are hilarious, insist children

UK

Royal family struggle by on £38.2m of your money

UK

Blair to receive US peace medal for not declaring war on everyone, everywhere

Immigration cap to curb Man City spending at under fifty billion

UK

I think Wales probably needs tidying, nation tells Justice Secretary

Reduced NHS funding for Homeopathy to make it infinitely more powerful

Jeremy Kyle desperate to meet Calum Davenport and family

Uruguayan ref insists Carlisle has not crossed line into England

Parents demand right to feed their children fatty garbage

Dole queues to reek of piss

Did I mention I’m part Slovenian, says Scotland

Austerity not so bad, insist cider drinkers

Bleakley to continue career of looking good compared to Adrian Chiles

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